Collection of Stupid Oneshots
by MentalKase
Summary: Don't read these if you value your brain. Rated M for safety. '
1. Chapter 1

Wel-come. :D I knooow I should get crackin' on my unfinished things but I'm lazy so stfu 33 

Now, this... This is a collection of random, retarded, stupid Naruto-based one-shots, most of them probably done in school during boring classes or whenever an idea hits me in the face like a rotten tuna with maggots hanging out of it's eyes.

Right, so. Now for that little...

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own anything, you should know that.

Now, let's get on with the utter stupidity.

-

**Title**: Why Deidara Doesn't Take Advantage of His Hand-Mouths. Anymore.  
**Setting**: Iwagakure, when Deidara is living with his parents, whoever the hell they may be, before running off and joining the Akatsuki.  
**Inspiration?**: Some post I saw on LiveJournal coupled with the mention of porn magazines in a roleplay. :D

-

It was just another night in Iwagakure. Deidara sat alone in his room as he usually did. His parents were out... And he had snuck a few naughty magazines from his father's room the night before.

... And was now looking through them, one hand down his pants as he used his clan's quirky little feature for something it wasn't quite meant for.

So distracted was he, that he didn't hear the front door open downstairs.

He didn't hear the foot-steps as they started up the stairs...

Nor did he notice them as they stopped by his bedroom door.

... Which opened, a woman's voice breaking through the ecstacy-filled moans - "Son, have you seen the - OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

... Well, he heard THAT.

And what did his poor, abused little hand-mouth do in surprise?

That's right. It clamped down on him.

Hard.

The scream heard althroughout Iwagakure that night woke even the more deepest of sleepers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I own NOTHING. 

-

**Title**: When Pigeons Attack   
**Setting**: A dense forest... Somewhere.  
**Inspiration?**: Birdy, birdy in the sky...

-

Nature walks often inspired him. So, he went on them often.

The artistic blond tramped through the dense forest just outisde the Akatsuki hideout, simply enjoying the sights and sounds. The feel of the humid air and the subtle feeling of the vegetation around him breathing. The soft bird-song echoing through the forest canopy, celebrating the sun and life in general.

It was relaxing. Even for an S-class criminal who thrived on destruction.

Deidara sighed, turning his one blue eye up to the sky - or what he could see of it through the tree leaves above. The sky was bright - more blue than blue - and -

_SPLAT_.

Deidara, wide-eyed and stunned, barely noticed as the little bomber-bird flew along on it's merry little way. He barely noticed the beauty around him - the trees, the nice humid feel, nothing.

What he did notice was the warm wet /stuff/ that had happen to land on his face.

Needless to say he did not like going out on nature walks for a while after that.

-

_And now for an alternate ending that a friend of mine suggested. :D_

-

_SPLAT_.

Deidara, wide-eyed and stunned, watched the evil pigeon that just dropped a little bomb directly on his face.

His visible eye twitched and he reached up to wipe the crap off, other hand immediately going into one of the pouches around his waist, mouth on said hand biting into the clay within. It didn't take him long to make one of his infamous birdy sculptures. It took him even less time to set the thing flying towards it's target...

He smiled cruelly at the satisfying BANG and the last, anguished squawk of the vile little flying rat.

However, the cruel smile soon gave way to a horrofied grimace when the sky above him turned black with the bodies of hundreds of birds, all scared off from their perches by the loud noise. Who would've thought there's be THAT many birds in the forest?

THAT many birds, all scared shitless from the loud explosion heralding the doom of their one little buddy...

When Deidara returned to the Akatsuki hideout, all anyone who saw him could do was laugh. Even his emotionless puppet of a partner snickered at his unpleasant predicament.

Needless to say, he did not like going out on nature walks for a while after that.


End file.
